Angelina, Stay Away From My Man!

That's apparently the sentiment of a lot of celebrity women when it comes to Angelina Jolie.  But who can blame them?

Remember Billy Bob Thornton?  He was engaged - happily or unhappily - to actress, Laura Dern until he came across Angelina Jolie.  Next thing we knew, they were both wearing vials of each other's blood around their necks.  Oh, and they were also married from 2000 to 2003.

Who can forget the case of Brad Pitt?  Am I the only one who is disappointed that their relationship has not met its demise?  I mean, it shouldn't be this way.  Nollywood movies have told us that this is impossible!  When you steal a woman's husband, karma will bite you in the nether region.  Oh, karma, where are you when I need you the most?  But anyway, once upon a time, the all-American sweetheart, Jennifer Aniston, was married to Brad Pitt.  I thought they were so perfect for each other.  In their marriage vows, she promised to make him his favorite banana milkshake for the rest of his life.  And he was enjoying those milkshakes, too --- until he filmed Mr. and Mrs. Smith.  Yes, yes.  The one with Angelina Jolie.

And now, history is trying to repeat itself, it seems.  Johny Depp - who, by the way, has a very nerdy sexiness about him - is filming a thriller with Angelina Jolie.  A movie that allegedly has a steamy sex scene (what else is new?) between Depp and Jolie.  This time, however, there is a woman who owns a man, and is not afraid to show it!  That woman is Johnny Depp's long time girlfriend and mother of his two children, Vanessa Pardis.  Apparently, she wants Johnny Boy to have nothing to do with that movie.  Or with Angelina.  Who can blame her?  After giving twelve years of her life to Johnny Depp, the woman is not ready to lose it all to one  Angelina - no matter how sexy her lips are!

If I had a man that Angelina Jolie were after, I, too, would tell her to stay the heck away from my man!  Who am I kidding?  My words would be more like, "Angelina, how do you do it ... and may I get an autograph, please?"

Very Mini Hiatus

The story, cut and dry:

I had an accident yesterday.

It was my fault.

Fotunatus [my car] was towed away after the accident.

I'm grateful I didn't end up in the hospital.

I'm not very happy right now.

I can't find the desire or the humor to type up a post.

I don't know how long this will last.

But I'll be back as soon as I can.

Surely, this accident must glorify God somehow.  I'm desperately waiting to see how.

P.S. I'm okay.

P.P.S. I just wish I took the puff-puffs out of the car before it got towed away. They were tasty.

I Want A Fat Wife

Those are precious words that you'll probably never hear from a man's mouth.  Perhaps, this blog is as close as you'll ever come to hearing it from a man's mouth.  And I am not even a man, so go figure.

Remember back in the day when the bigger a woman was, the better looking she was considered?  Remember how that used to be the evidence of good living?  It used to be the proof that she was well taken care of by her father or husband, preferably her husband.  Remember how the women with wide hips and butts as wide as pillows held sideways used to boast of having an ikebe super?  Igbo men call such hips/butt "ukwu pathfinder [pathfinder hips]," "ukwu transformer [transformer hips]," "ukwu v-boot [v-boot hips]," "ike danger [dangerous butt] ... and the list goes on.  Well, what happened?

Did men stop wanting the pathfinder hips, hips that are sure to find the path at any given point, even without a GPS?  Did men stop wanting the transformer hips, hips that can power the electricity in an entire block (or consequently cause the electricity to fail due to too much voltage)?  Did they stop wanting the hips shaped like that v-boot Mercedes Benz?  Did they stop wanting the dangerous butts, the kind that literally cost people their lives?  Or did we, women, change?

Women everywhere seem to be in a craze for the skinny bones.  Have we [African women] become more educated about the risks and dangers of obesity?  Or have we become more westernized, looking to the likes of Beyonce and Rihanna, for our ideal image?  What is really going on?  What we used to consider voluptuous, curvy, and shapely is now plain ol' fat.  One man's fat, I realize, is another man's average and vice versa.

But you know what's interesting, while we [women] spend a lot of time making ourselves over, redefining the meaning of [black] beauty, nipping here and tucking there, the standard of beauty, it seems, has remained the same for the men: tall, dark, and handsome.

I'm sure you have plenty to say.  Thankfully, Good Naija Girl, Caramel, and I will be discussing it live on the Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio show tomorrow, Saturday, March 6th 2010.  The show will be airing at 10am U.S. Eastern time [4pm Nigerian time & 3pm U.K time].  Click here to listen.  Join the live conversation by calling 1.646.929.1905.  Send your thoughts/stories/questions via e-mail radio@verastic.com  or text 1.443.934.9039.  Follow me on Twitter for updates.

Ka chi fo [Goodnight in Igbo].

P.S. I'd like to say a big congratulations and best wishes to Onyi and Noni.  It's been a year since they started their journey.  I pray God's blessings and favor meet them both at the point of their individual and collective needs.  Amen.


P.P.S. Don't forget to vote [in the top right sidebar]!

Mr. Shoes And I Are Getting Married --- Today

And this time, it's not an April Fool's trick - like that other time.  I'm sorry you had to find out this way.  And I'm sorry I kept it away from you, but if it makes you feel any better, I also kept it away from Mr. Shoes.  You see, this isn't exactly how I planned to get married, but as they say, when the going gets tough, the tough gets going.

I'll make this as short and as simple as possible: from Friday, February 5th to Sunday, February 7th, we experienced suffered a snow storm.  It took me five hours to shovel the sidewalk and dig Fotunatus [my car] out of 26 inches of snow.  School was out for over a week.  Less than a week later, we received another 12 inches of snow.  More shoveling and digging ensued.  By the end, I was sure I would need a chiropractor to fix my back, shoulders, waist, and arms.Since then, it has snowed about three or four more times, albeit very lightly.  This week and next week, we're expecting snow; I don't know the amount.  

So, where does Mr. Shoes come in, you ask?  Well, you see, while we were shoveling, my male neighbors shoveled and shoveled and shoveled --- while their wives stood by the door and directed them, "Honey, you didn't get that little part there," and occasionally, their wives brought them soup, sandwiches, and warm beverages.

I want to be a wife, darn it!  Shoveling isn't fun.  I'd rather be giving directions and offering warm beverages.  So, yes, Mr. Shoes and I will be getting married today.  I have to make sure that I marry him before the next snow storm.  Wouldn't want him thinking that I married him just because of the snow storm.  I mean, what kind of wife would that make me?

Turai Yar'Adua: VANISHED INTO THIN AIR!!!

So, there I was yesterday, checking my Yahoo! e-mail account when I saw a notification from Twitter that a new person was now following me.  Usually, I just delete such mails, but this time, the name caught my attention: Turai Yar'Adua.  Yes, I mean Turai, our President's former President's wife.

Off I went to check her profile out.  It's not everyday that a First Lady former First Lady follows me on Twitter.  Decked out in her outfit and traditional red scarf, she sat in her profile picture, staring me down, daring me to follow her back on Twitter.  I didn't.  I've heard and read too many not-so-flattering stories about her.

She had only one tweet.  It's unfortunate that I didn't copy and paste it for my keeps, but to paraphrase it, she thanked us for our prayers (if only she knew what I actually prayed for), and then, she said they are back (they, who??).  I thought to myself, I've got to blog about this!

Confidently, I returned to my list of Twitter followers.  She was gone!  Turai Yar'Adua was gone.  What did I ever do to make her stop following me?  This has to be the shortest Twitter relationship I have ever had.  So, I went back to my Yahoo! e-mail, and from there, I clicked on her name.  This is what I found:

Strange activity??  These Yar'Aduas!  Like husband, like wife.  Even on Twitter, they vanish.  By my calculation, I shouldn't expect her return to Twitter till another 92 days.  That's not so bad.  She's only the First Lady former First Lady.

But, of course, I'm sure there's a totally logical, rational explanation for this.  I have come to the conclusion that one of the following must have happened:

A.  Turai Yar'Adua is on life support

B.  Turia Yar'Adua's Twitter account is on life support

C.  Both 'A' and 'B'

P.S. If you're planning on telling me how it was not actually Turai herself who opened the Twitter account, but rather an admirer with too much time on his/her hands, my response would be, "Talk to the hands!"

Now That He Has Spoken

Whether the man meant it or not, he spoke some words!  Funny how people were sniffling and dabbing tissue on their eyes.  I wonder how they felt when the news of his accident, affairs, and alleged physical abuse first broke on Thanksgiving Night in November of 2009.  Of course, one has to consider that the people in the room when Tiger gave his speech were carefully handpicked by Tiger's team.  So, there's a slight chance that even then (on Thanksgiving Night), they were sniffling and dabbing their eyes, albeit, probably for different reasons.

I should say, however, that I was perfectly satisfied with his speech.  I'm not one of the people who thought I was entitled to an apology from Tiger.  I'll take his money anytime over his apology.  Apology for what? I'm not his wife.  And for those mistresses that had the effrontery to come on television and cry, well, no comments.  I know that my opinion and desire probably doesn't count for much, if anything, but I'd really like it if Mr. and Mrs. Woods remain married.  Tiger Wood's speech is below.  Enjoy.

Breaking sports news video. MLB, NFL, NBA, NHL highlights and more.

Have you main

Sins Of My Past

How much of my past should I really disclose [to my partner]?  Full disclosure between us would be nice, but is it necessary?  When people pry into other people's past, there's hardly a time they're prying for the good stuff ... like the time the person helped old Mrs. Kanu to cross the street.  Or the time the person won the award for Best Chemistry Student.  Or the time the person volunteered at the homeless shelter. Or how the person became a working class citizen at the tender age of fourteen.

Most times, the one who is prying wants to know other stuff: How many people have you slept with? What are the names of the people you have slept with? How many times did you sleep with them?  Perhaps, they might want to know the position(s), too.  And they want to know, how many relationships have you had, and where are they [your exes]?  You and Person X had an almost-relationship; I want to know why it never became an actual relationship.  How far - physically - did you and Person X go? Did Person X see you naked? What about Person Y?  Have you ever had oral sex?   If so, who was the first person you had it with?  And how many people have you had it with since then?  The list, really, is endless.

And, of course, there are other questions: criminal records, credit report, illnesses, divorces, previous engagements, abortions, miscarriages, surgeries, hospitalizations, addictions, etc.  This list, too, could go on.  But because of how complex relationships are, most of the question-and-answer session dwells on past relationships, past loves, past chemistry, past crushes, and of course, past sexes.

And so, I cannot help but wonder, how much of our past should we really disclose to our partner?

You and I, we could tackle it on Saturday morning on the Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio. I'll be co-hosting with Afrobabe - yes, the very, very insane, possibly psychotic Afrobabe and my very own cousin, Aribaba of Jaguda.com - and yes, this one too is crazy.  It'll be at 10am U.S. Eastern (4pm Nigerian) time as usual.

Come Saturday morning, listen here.

Join the conversation: 1.646.929.1905

E-mail your thoughts, if you cannot call in: radio@verastic.com

Follow me, bumper to bumper, on Twitter.

As always, there's a poll on the top right sidebar, and it's there for your voting pleasure.  Go vote!