Randomisity

This is one totally random post. I have a bunch of little issues to discuss, and I don't feel like making each of them into individual posts.

Random Issue #1: Mr. Shoes. I might get in trouble for refering to him as a random issue. Hehe. But lemme tell you what he did - more like said. Honestly, I don't know what Mr. Shoes would do without me; thank God for me oh... because I'm teaching him things. Hehe. Can you believe that Mr. Shoes was under the impression that breast milk only comes out at certain times of the day? He was hoping it only comes out during the day, so that at night... well... :-). This breast milk conversation was inspired by my previous post.

Random Issue #2: What the heck is Badoo --- and why do people (real or virtual) keep leaving me messages on it? I keep receiving e-mails that say someone left me a message on Badoo. What the heck is that? Is that another social network? I guess I could take the time to google it, but I have more important things to think of right now.

Random Issue #3: My template --- I'm changing it again. Yeap. So I thought I liked it, but it turns out I don't. I'm a white-background chic. This whatever-color-we'll-this color is not working for me at all. I have tried to like it, but I don't see myself liking it too much. Doesn't help that Mr. Shoes doesn't particularly care for it either. I can do a black background, but that's as far as I'm willing to go, and I'd rather not do the black background because it's not too easy on the eyes. I'll work on the template this weekend.

Random Issue #4: Oh, Range Rover Sport... where art thou? People, I don't know what to do about my obsession with the Range Rover Sport. I spot the vehicle from a mile away. I stare at it every time I see it. I go as close as I can to it. Sometimes, I touch someone's parked Range Rover Sport. Is there a way for me to get a FREE Range Rover Sport?? If you're going to suggest that I buy a Range Rover Sport, then scratch that idea. As I type this right now, I have about $100 to my name - probably not enough to change the oil. I kid you not! All you wealthy people out there, save me from my misery and give me a RANGE ROVER SPORT!!! Oprah, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, the Walton family, Michael Bloomberg, and Donald Trump... where are you? I need a Range Rover Sport now now now!!!!!!!!!!!!

Random Issue #5: Bloggers! Did I tell you that I hooked up with three bloggers? Yes, ke. I hooked up with Nefertiti, Bumight, and Aloted. Jealous? Ah, yes of course, you are. We took a picture. I'll be happy to share it with you. But first, you must read 'Random Issue #4" and give me my heart's desire. *wink, wink* Oh, I also met YankeeNaijaBabe whose blog I just realized is private. When did this happen? Has it always been private?

Random Issue #6: Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio will be airing in about 9.5 hours - 10:00 AM U.S. Eastern time (3:00 PM Naija time). We'll be talking about dating exes. Beautiful Nana will be co-hosting with me. Make sure you tune in/call in! There's still time for last minute e-mails on today's show. Here's the direct link to today's show online. E-mail radio@verastic.com if you have any contributions and/or questions (even if it's not for today's show). Please check out the schedule for the show on the right sidebar and participate. Help a sister out! Thank you, darlings!

For All You Breast-Owning People...

Let no one say, "Vera never offers us anything good." Hear ye, hear ye!!

Uju is in med school. Did you know that? There are some perks to having a friend in med school: She teaches me stuff. I am guaranteed of free medical care for the rest of my life (after she graduates, of course). She even offers me free surgeries. Ah, yes... she has offered me a free mastectomy courtesy of Youtube. Whoever said YouTube is useless? I'll get to the reason why she's offered me a free mastectomy later.

So apparently - according to Uju, the med student - for each child a woman has, she decreases her chances of having breast cancer by 7%. For each child she breast feeds for a year, she reduces her chances of having breast cancer by 4.3%. Sooooo.... let's assume that she breast feeds each child for one year. That means that for each child a woman has and breast feeds for a year, she decreases her chances of having breast cancer by 11.3%.

Ah! My people, it is SETTLED!!! 100% divided by 11.3% is 8.8495575 (8.85). Let's round that up to 9. So that means that if a woman has 9 children, she has completely erased her chances of ever having breast cancer. Very well then! And I thought there is no way to prevent breast cancer! Hear ye, hear ye.... having 9 children will erase your chances of having breast cancer.

The other option, which my med-student-friend was also quick to point out, is to have a mastectomy. [And that is why the nonentity offered me a free mastectomy courtesy of YouTube]. By having a mastectomy, a woman decreases her chances of having breast cancer by 90%. And that is if she cuts off both breasts ooo! Personally, I don't think it's worth it. Why cut off both breasts and still have a 10% risk when you can just have 9 children, breastfeed them, and have NO RISK???

Besides, at the rate of 11.3% per child, nine children actually equal 101.7% And considering the fact that I also intend to breastfeed hubby, that should count for another ---- I don't know --- 50%??? So you see, I'm good!!! Hear ye, hear ye.... save thy self!!

DISCLAIMER: Though the percentages are correct (according to the med student), this formula for breast cancer prevention has not been medically or scientifically tested and/or proven (to my knowledge). This formula, therefore, is simply Verastic. Try at your own risk.

P.S. Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio now has a regular time: Every Saturday @ 10:00 AM U.S Eastern (3:00 PM Naija time). All upcoming shows are on the sidebar on the right. Send e-mails for contributions. Answer the poll about dating exes. And please go to www.blogtalkradio.com/verastic to set reminders for any and all shows. Thank you, darlings!!

For The Shoes

On Saturday, the 20th of June 2009, Mr. Shoes and his family suffered a loss. They lost a wife and a mother. Mr. Shoes lost his mother. I tried several times before today to put this post up since the unfortunate incident, but each time I tried, my words failed me. I still feel like they're failing me right now, but I have to do this. It's taking too long already.

Over and over, I wondered, what do I say to Mr. Shoes? What does one say to a man who has lost the first woman he ever loved? 'Sorry?' 'I'm sorry?' I don't know what one says. I don't know what one should say. I don't know what I should have said, or what I should say now. If tears could wake the dead, she'd be back here right now.

It's sad how people's terms change when they pass on. I remember when my Uncle George passed six years ago. Suddenly, he stopped being 'George' and became 'the body' and 'the cargo.' Six years after his passing, I am still not over it. One can never really get over the loss of someone dear. I've had six years to mourn over it, and I'm still not done. The Shoes' family has had only two weeks.

Death is never convenient. Mommy Shoes' death was inconvenient. If she had left us three decades from now, her death will still be inconvenient, but maybe, just maybe we'd feel better if it were three decades later. She'd be a little older. A little wiser. A lot more experienced - with more grey hairs to tell tales of life lived, things seen, and things done. Maybe then I'd know what to say. Maybe then, my words will not fail me.

I am aware that God is the beginning and the end. The Alpha and Omega. I know that He is an all-knowing God, a God that never makes mistakes. But still I dare to wonder...why now and why her? Why her and why now? This is a question I know I will not get an answer to until I meet Him in Glory (when I am 114 years old).

To the Shoes family, I wish God's comfort in this trying time. I wish them the strength to bear this burden. I wish them peaceful sleep at night. And I pray that Mommy Shoes' memory brings comfort and peace to those she left behind.

To Mr. Shoes, once again my words fail me. I don't know what to say or how to say it. But whatever you need me to do, I will do. And whatever you need me to be, I will be.

May the sweet, loving, gentle soul of Mommy Shoes rest in perfect peace, Amen.

Is It Still Fornication....

...If I imagine my HUSBAND making love to me (as opposed to just plain ol' imagination of some man that has not "made an honest woman out of me")? Walahi, I imagine this thing in my head all the time. I actually make a conscious effort to picture the ring on his finger because I need to convince God - and myself, of course - that I am not just .... what's the word? Fornicating!!! Yeah, isn't this called fornication of the mind?? Well, it's only fornication when you're imagining someone that isn't your husband. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

I know what you're thinking: "But Vera, you're not married!" Ehen. If I'm not married nko? How is that one your business?? If you can dream it, you can be it. So I have been imagining myself married. Soon I will be married. As you all know, part of being married includes ehm... ehm... going to Jerusalem all willy nilly, so I have been picturing that also. Honestly, he has a ring in my mind. He's my husband in my mind.

If you're thinking the word I think you're thinking, then please stop it right this minute. I am NOT masturbating. I repeat: I AM NOT MASTURBATING!!!!!!!!! I am simply imagining what will be. What is so wrong about that? Doggone it! He has a wedding band on....and so do I. I need someone to just validate me and tell me that it's okay. Tell me I'm right. It might be in my head, but I think I hear God laughing right now. He just said, "This girl is straight trippin!'"

Lemme tell you how this "married love making" starts. It starts after the wedding, in the limo, on our way to the reception hall. With the bridesmaids in the car, we'll be all up on each other. Then my bridesmaids will get pissed and irritated, step out of the limo, and take a cab to the reception venue. Actually, it's a lot more fun in my imagination when they each mount an okada., hair flying in the air, and then all jacked up by the time they reach the reception hall ... tears in the eyes from the wind... maybe their dresses will get ripped too ..... but I digress. So when they get off the limo, hubby and I go to Jerusalem. Bingo!

Then at the reception hall, we have to change into our traditional outfits. We tell everyone to get the heck out of the room and give us some time to "talk." So yeah, we go to Jerusalem again. Thennnnnn after the reception, we continue wherever we spend the night. But see, the entire time, we're married. We have been pronounced husband and wife. This can't possibly be fornication of the mind, can't it??

Say it isn't so!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. Tune in @ 10 AM U.S. Eastern time (3 PM Naija time) for the Verastically Speakin' Radio Show. www.blogtalkradio.com/verastic Set up reminders if you have to. See you there!!!!!!!!! *wink, wink* Please see the schedule of the show by the top right hand corner and contribute as you can. Thank you, darlings!

I'm off to imagine stuff.

What To Do.... What To Do....???

The other day I was watching a new Ghanaian movie, The Perfect Picture (you know I'm current with these things. Oh, you didn't know?). Anyway, it's a really nice movie, beautifully done. It doesn't have twists and turns. I expected it would end the way it did. But that's not the point of this post.

You know how love making scenes in Nigerian movies make you wanna puke and remain celebate, right? Don't tell me I'm the only one they have that effect on. This movie, however, was different. The love making scene was really nice. It didn't have them sweating profusely under a thick, ugly, multi-colored blanket and grunting like they were trying to force out a slice of shit that was double the size of their anus. Too graphic?

Instead, it looked like they were making love AND loving it. In fact, it didn't even look like one or both partners were being punished through sex. It didn't look like the man was trying to jam his penis and his entire body into the woman's little orifice. Ah, that must be what making love looks and sounds like.

Oh, get this. They even did it in more than one position. Yes! This movie had Africans procreating in a position that did not involve the man lifting and throwing his entire weight on the woman. They like to refer to this as missionary. It's not the position that I have qualms with. It's the way the Nigerian/African movies usually do it. Makes my eyes hurt.

Funny enough, that is still not the gist of this post. The gist is that I was watching the movie with my mother. So what exactly was I supposed to do when the love making scene came on? Watch it with mom? Eww. Concentrate on my laptop and pretend I didn't know what was on TV? Yawn, stretch, and pretend to be sleepy? Say 'Eww' and forward that scene (only to come back and watch it when Mom is not around)? I even thought about prentending not to know what they were doing.

[INSERT SERIOUS IGBO ACCENT] Mommy, why are Uncle and Aunty naked and looking dazed? Sex????? Mommy, what is this sex that you speak of, and why are they doing it? To have children???? But Mommy, is it sweet or bitter? [EXIT SERIOUS IGBO ACCENT].

On second thoughts, I figured that wouldn't work either. So I braced up and finished the movie. I am woman enough to watch soft porn a movie with my mom.

P.S. The Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio will air on Thursday, July 2nd 2009 @ 10:00 AM U.S. Eastern time (3:00 PM Naija time), Nigerian Tact (Or Lack Of It). We'll be talking about the way Nigerians use the least diplomacy when dispensing their usually not-sought opinions. E-mail me with your stories/comments/questions. radio@verastic.com

He's Such A Romantic!!!

I might be wrong, but I think that most girls every girl dreams of some form of romance from a man. What one girl considers as romance might not be what the next girl considers as romance. If most girls are like me, then they spend a better part of their day dreaming of romantic fairy tales. What we fail to see is that the thing we're looking for in foreign lands is right at home with us.

And that is how it happened. As far as I am concerned, I have only met one very romantic (thoughtful) human man. Only one other Man supercedes him. And that is God. Even though I laughed about it and always tried to add a little humor to the posts, the fact is that I was quite nervous and afraid about the turn out of the radio show.

In my head, I did everything I could have done. I e-mailed everyone. I facebooked. I twittered (tweeted??). I blogged. And I did the word of mouth, of course. Still, I have never done radio before. I have never taken any class on radio. And talk radio is not like writing or blogging where people cannot hear your nervousness. A "talk" radio will be pretty useless if there is no one there to "talk."

But God, in his awfully romantic nature, came through for me. I don't know why. I am so grateful and pleasantly surprised at the outcome of the radio show. I have no idea how to thank the callers, listeners, downloaders, writers [e-mailers & commenters], and especially, the bloggers.

Tobenna called all the way from Nigeria. Babz and Danny called from U.K. GNG and Ms. O called from Canada. Diamond called from Georgia. No Limit and a bunch of others were in the chatroom giving me a headache with their funny talks. Baroque, Sribbles, Jaycee, My Own Thing, and NaijaDude all helped by sending e-mails and leaving comments on the topic. My friends and acquaintances here in Maryland came through too. Mr. Shoes didn't disappoint me either. He has even become my unpaid manager. He's so sexy when he talks business and statistics. LOL. I've promised to make him custard for payment. The only problem with my payment plan is that he doesn't like custard.

Funmie, my wonderful co-host, she did a fantabulous job. Thanks, Funmie! Mr. Shoes says we work well together. Apparently, we have chemistry. So what do you say we take this to the next level? We open a joint account with your next paycheck? :-)

For the first five minutes of the show, I was crazy nervous. When the countdown began, my heart was thumping. I'm surprised it (the sound) didn't come through on the radio show. My evil cordless phone kept ringing. Do you know that I disconnected the phone AND pulled out its battery? Yet, it kept ringing! Devil... no dey try my patience ooo!

I owe God. I can't ever pay Him, I know. But I just know that I owe Him. He went beyond my expectations. I'd like to take credit for this, but Heaven knows I didn't do it all by myself. I can't take credit for anything @ all. He gave me the brain to think of the concept; He gave me the fingers to type the words for announcements, and He most certainly gave me the mouth to speak on the radio. I'm not sure what part I played in this, if any.

Now, if only every man could be like Him?

P.S. Thanks to all those who left comments on the previous post. Sorry I haven't responded. I'v read them all. I'll respond shortly. I'll put up topics for upcoming shows. E-mail me @ radio@verastic.com if you have any questions/comments/stories/show ideas. As always, the show can be listened to online www.blogtalkradio.com or downloaded for free.

P.P.S. If I give God an e-mail address @ verastic [God@verastic.com or Chineke@verastic.com], do you think He will use it? Or do you think He will crash the entire system?? If He'll use it, then I [as the administrator] can secretly control His account and approve all my prayers ASAP. I might even suspend His account if He doesn't comply with my demands. The power of a website administrator! Good stuff, I tell you. Living life on the fast lane.

P.P.P.S. My last two sentences just confirmed my fear: I need to get a social life.

P.P.P.P.S Goodnight.

D-Day!!

Yes oooo.

Verastically Speakin' Talk Radio launches today. If you think I am nervous, then you are soooo wrong - NOT! Is it too late to cancel or reschedule? Alright fine, it's too late.

I have never done radio before, so I'm hoping I sound okay. I'm hoping I don't start giggling hysterically on the air. It's happened so many times. Giggling hysterically and uncontrollably is not a new thing for me, but I shall not be shamed!

I don't wanna have to discuss this radio on every post, so dear Verastic readers, please help me to help you. Look, it is by force that you will support me ooo! Or else, don't just think I will not sue all of you to court one by one. Yes, my famous and loyal lawyer, LusciousRon will personally see to it that the whole lot of you are chained to the computer, and by force, by force, you must listen to my show AND love it! Don't say you weren't warned.

On that note, you should know that I currently have only three topics lined up. Reason is that I still have to decide on a particular day and time to do the show. I'll be putting up a poll soon for your opinion.

In light of helping me, please send me e-mails concerning these topics. Send your stories/comments/questions to radio@verastic.com or call/text 443-934-9039. If you're sending comments or stories, I'd rather have it in writing, please. It'd be a little difficult typing

everything you're saying. Please go to the show website and set up reminders.

I gather some people are still a little confused, so let me clarify: there are two ways to listen to the show

1. You can listen to the show live by going to the show's website

2. You can listen by dialing the call-in number 646-929-1905. You'll be able to hear everything and also able to join the conversation, if you wish....and I hope you will wish :-)

You can be a part of the conversation by...

1. Dialing the call-in number

2. Clicking on "Click To Talk" on the website. But you'll have to be a member of the website in order to be able to dial in directly. It's absolutely free.

If you miss the show, you can download it for free and listen to it. Or you can just play it right from the player. There's a player installed on the sidebar, and it will always have the last three episodes.

Date	U.S. Eastern Time	Nigerian Time	Topic & Description	Co-host
Tuesday, June 23rd2009	6:00 PM	11:00 PM	Dates: Whose Bill Is It Anyway? – Just one of those things men and women are confused about. Who should actually pay the bill for a date?	Funmie
Thursday, July 2nd2009	10:00 AM	3:00 PM	Nigerian Tact (Or Lack Of It) – This will talk about how Nigerians are famous for just saying it as it is with no diplomacy or discretion whatsoever.	*No one yet*
Saturday, July 11th2009	10:00 AM	3:00 PM	Nigerian Tact (Or Lack Of It) – This will talk about how Nigerians are famous for just saying it as it is with no diplomacy or discretion whatsoever.	*Taken*

Contact:

Show website: www.blogtalkradio.com/verastic

Facebook Group

Call-in number: 646-929-1905

Email: radio@verastic.com

Number (off the air): 1-443-934-9039

Alrighty then! Let's go there.....! See ya.... ;)