Styling & Profiling: Funmie

I talk about Funmie a lot here. Funmie this. Funmie that. By the way, she's the one who insists that her name be spelled with an e - Funmie instead of Funmi. She thinks it's special that way. I guess it is. I'm styling and profiling her because I realize that each time I mention her name, I don't have any single post to link her name to. For first time readers, they might want to know who the heck Funmie is and why her name appears so many times on Verastic dot com.

I met Funmie in 2002. Since then, it's seemed like we have gotten closer by the minute. We have a lot in common. Too many sad, unfortunate things in common. But it has helped build our character. Of course, there are also those moments that we think or say the same thing at the same time. Spooky. I'm trying hard not to make her big head swell - the head is really big already - but this babe is more than words can say. She's so giving, so generous, so nice, and so flippin' annoying because of that. I hate that she can be so --- so --- what's the word? Passive?? I hate it.

Her niceness overwhelms me sometimes - and not in a good way. I just want to scream. The way I'm sounding, you'll think I'm one fierce, no-nonsense girl, but that's hardly the case. Or maybe it's the case. I'm not even sure about myself. I think I'm an under cover fierce babe. I usually start off smiling and pretending to be nice. But I digress...

Funmie is my self-hired administrative assistant. Yes, she employed herself as my administrative assistant, and so far, I'm not quite sure how I feel about her job performance. I still end up doing what I want her to do, and she claims it's my fault because I'm supposed to send her reminders. Seriously???

I have to commend Funmie though. She is my biggest [female] fan. (We'll get to the biggest male fan later). I cannot even believe I have a friend who is this excited and interested in me. She reads every single blog post. She's even subscribed to it. She listens LIVE to every single radio show. The only time she did not call in was the weekend she was seriously ill, but even then, she still listened to it LIVE. When she was very busy helping a friend cook, she still listened via phone and called in. The chic just surprises me.

She's done a lot more actually. But these will have to suffice for now. I often fantasize about the day I'll have some money, take her shopping, and totally blow her mind. Enjoy the pictures.

If I lay my hands on that red belt, it's mine forever.

Only Funmie can tell you what she was doing to that Christmas light decoration (Oh, my goodness! Can't believe it's already almost a year since we took this picture).

Someone is trying to pretend to be quiet...

But this is her true color right here .... the crazy girl you hear shouting on Verastically Speakin Talk Radio.

...And yes, I know I spelled her name as Funmi (instead of Funmie) in the tag. I can't be bothered to change the tag in all the posts with her name, so her tag will have to remain as Funmi.

Date Me Jeje, Date Me Tender... Yes ooo!!!

"Is it not a bit problematic that at my age, I have never been on a date? It is days like this one that make me wonder if my fears and preconceived notions are true: are there really no Nigerian or at least African men on E-Harmony dot com? That website has promised to match me on twenty-nine different dimensions of compatibility. That is a whole lot more than what I have been able to do for myself. And what about Match dot com? Dr. Phil has told me that it is okay to look there. So I have looked – but just at their home page. I am not quite ready to divulge into anything else yet. Chemistry dot com has vowed to find me a person who will make me go weak in the knees. Now, that is the kind of passion I want!"

The above paragraph was pulled from an article written by yours truly - yes me - in December of 2008. That was when I was desperately in need for someone to date me jejely and tenderly. Wait a minute, I was not desperately in need. I just thought it'd be nice to be dated jejely and tenderly for once.

In case you're wondering, I really did visit the homepage of Match dot com, and I really did wonder if there are Nigerian/African men on E-Harmony dot com, although I did not plan on signing up. Overall, my favorite site's slogan was and still is Chemistry dot com. They promised to find me a man who would make me go weak in the knees. Mm mm mm!!! I'm weak in the knees already just thinking about it. Who does not want weak-in-the-knees chemistry?

Why do I bring this up now? On Saturday, November 14th, Good Naija Girl and I would be discussing virtual dating on Verastically Speakin. Oh, yes!!! Have you voted in the poll up there? Well, go vote, please, and then click here on Saturday morning to listen.

P.S. I've been a little busy with church this entire week, but it has been a blessing to say the least. If you're in the Baltimore area, it's not yet late to attend the Shiloh Festival at House of Praise, Baltimore Church. See the bottom of this post for more details.

Or else .... talk to you on Saturday - 10am U.S. EST (4pm Nigerian time). >>> radio@verastic.com for e-mails concerning this show or any other show on Verastically Speakin.

Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid (1)

This post is probably one of them.

You ever notice how people conveniently avoid the woman with the baby on the flight? You can't blame them really. What are the chances that the baby will not scream them to oblivion? It's not like they can yell at the baby. Well, they can --- but imagine who would be the bad guy after that. Besides, that would probably cause the baby to scream longer and louder.

I remember this flight I was on, and there was a woman, her baby, and another woman whom I assumed to be her mother. I sat next to them because that was the nearest open seat I found. I happen to be one of those people who avoid the baby-having passengers like a plague. When we were however-many-thousands of feet in the air, I decided to pull out that tiny little table - if you would call it that - attached to the back seat of the passenger in front of you. With my text book on it, I decided to tackle my 30-questions long assignment.

But this baby, this cute little blonde, blue-eyed baby ... it just could not resist the shine of my pencil. It kept pulling it away from me. I did not really mind. I was bothered by something else. I could not tell if this baby was a boy or a girl. Its ears were not pierced, so it was hard to tell. The style and colors of its clothes were unisex - a dull green color. Its hair was short, and it had not yet received its first hair cut - I was sure - so the style of its hair was misleading. Besides, I know how Black babies' hair can morph into a Punk-lookalike hair cut. If you did not know better, you'd swear the baby's mother was trying to make her child look like Bobby Brown - back when he was somebody. Or maybe that only happens to Nigerian babies. But I digress.

So this baby kept pulling my pencil. If I could steal it - yes, the baby, take it to the bathroom and open its diapers, I would have. I was so curious to know if it was a boy or a girl. Not knowing was terribly uncomfortable. It kept smiling at me. Its smile said nothing about its gender. I think it was probably because it did not have teeth. It was not the flirtatious smile of a boy baby to a female; neither was it the mischievous smile of a girl baby to a girl [sorry girls!]. I just had to know; if not for anything, I needed to stop the mental argument going on in my head where I referred to the baby as he, she, and it - all at once. No, calling it the baby just wouldn't do either. So why didn't I just ask? I don't know. I just could not bring myself to ask the question. How would I have asked?

• Is it a boy or a girl?
• He's a boy?
• What's her name?
• So uhm ... did you get its gender checked before you had it?
• May I see its birth certificate for a second?
• Do you mind if I borrow your baby for a minute? Just need to go to the bathroom and check something real quick.

D'oh! I just got an idea. I could have asked: So what's the baby's name? Well, too late now! I'll never find them again. But now that I think of it, the baby could have had a unisex name like Jamie or Chibuzo. Okay, fine. Maybe the chance of a White, blonde-haired, blue-eyed baby answering Chibuzo is slim, but it's not totally impossible.

Maybe I should not have blogged about my desire to take a woman's baby into the bathroom and expose its genitals. You think that might be sending the wrong message? Yeah, me too. The good news is that I am semi anonymous, and most of you don't know what I look like - hopefully. The bad news is that I am kidding myself and the TSA (Transportation Security Administration) peeps might start looking at me weird.

Yeap. Some things are definitely better left unsaid.

****************************************

Something that does need to be said, however, is the Annual Shiloh Festival at House of Praise Baltimore Church. It started yesterday, Nov. 8th, and it will end on Sunday Nov. 15th 2009. I was there yesterday [Apostle Sunny Aiyemo (from Nigeria) preached], and it was A-W-E-S-O-M-E - to say the least. If you're the Baltimore area, consider making a date with the LORD. I'll be doing the same for the days I can make it. The schedule is below.

Day	Date	Time	Pastor
Monday	Nov. 9th	7:00 pm	Apostle Sunny Aiyemo
Tuesday	Nov. 10th	7:00 pm	Apostle Sunny Aiyemo
Wednesday	Nov. 11th	7:00 pm	Apostle Sunny Aiyemo
Thursday	Nov. 12th	7:00 pm	Apostle Charles Ndifon
Friday	Nov. 13th	7:00 pm	Apostle Charles Ndifon
Saturday	Nov. 14th	7:00 pm	Rev. Sunday Akingbelure
Sunday	Nov. 15th	9:00 am & 11:00 am	Rev. Sunday Akingbelure

** Saturday's service is actually a praise event, so come there with your singing voice and your dancing shoes. And wear your African outfit, if you can.

** For Tuesday's service, Apostle Sunny Aiyemo has requested that you bring a bottle of water with you.

Contact info:

Address: 6101 Moravia Park Drive

Baltimore, MD, 21206.

Tel: 1.410.483.6101n OR 1.410.483.6107

E-mail: admin@houseofpraisebaltimore.org

Website: www.houseofpraisebaltimore.org

What Do Women Want?

I am not due for an update till tomorrow, but tomorrow is when the show on Verastically Speakin will come up, asking and tackling what I will now dramatize and call the ultimate question: What Do Women Want??? That is why I have decided to blog about it today. I want you to have at least twenty-four hours to think about it. I will be co-hosting with Diamond-Hawk & Rosie. Rosie has conveniently changed her name to Lucid Lilith, which has been a tongue twister for me - even now as I type it, it's a finger twister, so I have reserved my right to call her Rosie. So....

What exactly do women want?

• Love?
• Romance?
• Respect?
• Companionship?
• Loyalty?
• Security?
• Stability?
• All of the above ... plus a totally smackable bum? [Okay, maybe just me then].

I know what I want, but you'll have to wait till tomorrow to find out. And no, it's not just about the smackable bum. Thank you very much. I also know what the men think women want. They think we don't know what we want. Well, do we have news for them or what?

I remember when I used to want a man who will want to do a lot of public display of affection with me. I quickly realized that I had to narrow my want; apparently, the public display of affection didn't feel quite good when I was not into the man in the first place. I remember when I used to want a man who would have all sorts of sweet terms of endearment for me - baby, honey, sweetie - then I realized I would prefer that he not say baby every five seconds. I remember when I used to want a man who would know the little things about me. Oh, yes... then I got that one that remembered my bra size, but not my last name. I would have probably felt better if he had at least seen the bra. But to think that my very public last name was WAEC to him....

Tsk. Tsk.

I know I know what I want now.

************************************************

The poll is up there. If you have not voted, please do. If you have voted, try to vote again because your vote might not count. Reason is that I had to redo this poll four times, and each time I redid it, I had to take off the one you already voted on, so please vote again. Thank you.

Last but not least, the time for the show has changed. Well, the time in U.S. is the same, but outside of U.S., it might not be the same. U.S. changed time on Sunday; the clock went back one hour, so Nigeria, for example, is now six hours ahead of us, instead of five. That said, if you're in Nigeria, Verastically Speakin' will air at 4pm your time NOT 3pm. I said 4pm oooo!!!! It's still 3pm GMT. Apparently, it used to be 4pm GMT - even though I've been proudly saying 3pm GMT and none of you corrected me. Confused? Maybe the table below will help.

U.S. Eastern Time [ex: New York]	10am
U.S. Central Time [ex: Chicago]	9am
U.S. Mountain Time [ex: Arizona, Utah]	8am
U.S. Pacific Time [ex: Los Angeles, Seattle]	7am
Nigerian Time	4pm
U.K. Time	3pm
GMT Time	3pm

If I do not have your general vicinity listed up there, I apologize. Please check www.greenwichmeantime.com I did, of course, consider listing all the countries in the world and their time on my blog - cause you know how the entire world just can't wait to tune into Verastically Speakin,' - but the space on my blog just wouldn't do. Plus, it's kind of late, and I just want to sleep.

So make sure you tune into Verastically Speakin tomorrow and find out what women want. Yippee! E-mails go here >> radio@verastic.com Phone calls before and after the show go here >> 1.443.934.9039 Phone calls during the show [to join the conversation on air] go here >> 1.646.929.1905 Tweets go here www.twitter.com/verastic

And of course, money goes here >> P. O. BOX 7893

Essex, MD 21221

United States of America

$$$ *Hint, hint* Women [Vera] want[s] money!! $$$

>>>>Don't forget to vote in the poll!! Talk to you tomorrow! J

It's Official

Majid Michel is my favorite [young] African actor.

Sorry, Naija folks! The Ghanaian one stole my heart. Is anyone as crazy for Majid as I am? Well, it's his acting that I am really crazy about. And no, seeing his bare bum in his latest movie, Heart of Men has absolutely nothing to do with my decision.

About Heart of Men ... have you seen it? Compared to your typical African movies, this one is good. I mean, it has a good plot with twists and turns. This movie has earned the right to say it's full of suspense. You know how every Nigerian movie - especially the stupid ones - always say they are full of suspense and intrigue. :::HISSSSS:::

That said, the movie could have been better. The plot, that is. The way it ended left me wondering some things, and even before it ended, I felt one or two things could have been done differently. I do have to commend them on the whole reminiscing thing. You know how Nigerian movies reminisce. Usually, the camera zooms into the sweaty face of the character, and then they replay the entire scene of whatever the character is remembering - which is usually like all of part 1! But that didn't happen in this movie. Nope. Enough about Heart of Men. This is about Majid ...

Good guy or bad guy, nice or mean, sensitive or insensitive, romantic or thoughtless .... he really gets into his character. I'll watch any movie, if Majid is in it. I'll watch a stupid movie to the end, if Majid is in it. Do you know how many smacks I could have given his bare bum in Heart of Men? ::Clearing throat:: It won't, of course, feel as good as smacking Mr. Shoe's bum. Hehehe. That was one heck of a smackable bum. [Hopefully, my mom will not read this]. Oh, but back to Majid ... did I forget to mention that Heart of Men has a lot of sex scenes? Oh, boy! Chics with no shirts on, Majid with no pants on .... mm mm mm!!! I should clarify that the part with shirtless chics totally didn't go anything for me... although I got to admire their bras - before they came off. Wonder where they got them. Oh, whatever. They'll be too small for me anyway.

Now, does anyone know where or how I can get Majid's number??? I just want to say hi, that's all.

There She Goes Again...

My mom.

There she goes again.

Yesterday was Halloween. For the Non-Americans, Halloween is a day that people - children and adults alike - dress up in costumes and go around at night (or evening time, rather) knocking on people's doors and begging for candy. As a Christian - a Nigerian one for that matter - I don't celebrate Halloween. Several years ago, I read up on the history of Halloween. It's been years, so my details might be rusty, but according to what I read and what I remember, Halloween Day is a day that ghosts of dead people are believed to roam the earth. So in order not to be attacked by the ghosts, people dress like them, so that way, they blend right in with the ghosts.

That said, Halloween is not quite as scary as it used to be. It's gone sexy all of a sudden - just like every other thing. People now dress in skimpy little outfits (like Wonder Woman, Cat Woman, etc) all in the name of Halloween. Some people dress like bugs - example, my neighbors. I wonder if I would be held responsible for hitting a human being if I were to knock down one of these human sized bugs with my car. I wouldn't want to find out anyway. People were roaming the streets today looking like all sorts of things. Some were cute, I admit. But I'm still not celebrating Halloween - and neither are my future children.

So, back to mom. few days ago, she was complaining about how she did not want to take part in Halloween by handing candy to the kids that knock on the door. Typically, people that don't want to take part in Halloween just turn off their lights and call it a night. But not my mom! She came up with her own handy dandy plan, which made perfect sense - in her head: she'll hand the kids akara. Yes, akara. As in the greasy balls we [Nigerians] make from beans and deep fry in oil. Yeap, that one.

No, the kids are not Nigerians. In fact, in my neighborhood, they are mostly White.

Yes, this idea made perfect sense in my mom's head.

Her reason? "It's just to show them what else they can do with beans ...."

I've got a few questions for mom:

1. Who told you these kids want to know else what they can do with beans?
2. Who even told you they eat beans?
3. How are we going to serve this akara? In ziplock bags or straight into their little palms?
4. Will the akaras also accompany a recipe?

Thankfully, we never did get around to handing out akaras - not because mom changed her mind and decided to save us the humiliation, but because she was too busy to make the akara.

Thank God for small mercies, huh?

Dear Boyfriend, Will You Give Me Your Password?

Dear Boyfriend,

Will you give me the password to your e-mail account? Yes, I'm having a hard time keeping up with all five of my e-mail accounts, but still, I'd like to check up on yours - every now and then. Although I'll probably not even have the time to do so, I'd like to know that if I were to wake up one morning feeling a little unsafe or unsure about our relationship... and I were to feel compelled to check up on your e-mail account, I would have the access to do so.

Dear Boyfriend,

Will you give me the password to your phone? I promise I won't reply any text message - no matter how questionable I might find it. I just want to know who is texting you and what she is writing. I'm curious about who is calling you and how long you spend talking to her. I won't pick up your calls - unless you're not there and I feel it necessary to take the calls. If that happens, I promise not to be rude. I have no intention to listen to your voicemail, but I hope you won't mind if I become curious enough to do so.

Dear Boyfriend,

Will you give me the pin to your bank account? I don't want to withdraw your money. I don't want to steal from you. It'll just make me feel closer to you, safer with you, and more intimate with you . I'll feel as though I know another part of you. Men hardly share their financial truths, right? Share yours with me; I just want to know, that's all. If I see that you spent a ridiculous amount of money at Victoria's Secret - even though I never received any gift(s) from Victoria's Secret - I would gulp and believe you spent it all on your sister.

Dear Boyfriend,

Will you give me the password to your Facebook account? Each time I check your profile and see that you have recently become friends with one girl or the other, I cannot help but wonder who she is and what she wants from you. I find myself wondering what you have in your inbox. Who sends you mails via facebook? What does she write to you? I'd like to know. I'm not one of those girlfriends. I won't go replying your e-mails. But I'd like to know who is e-mailing you and why.

Dear Boyfriend, will you give me your password?

*********************************************

Now, before you all start including Mr. Shoes in your prayer requests and asking Baba God to deliver him from the paranoid Vera, I should clarify that what you read above isn't about me ... and is especially not about Mr. Shoes. It's about what we'll be discussing on Saturday on Verastically Speakin.' We're calling it Password Keeper. Tell me: would you share your password(s) with your significant other? The show will air LIVE on Saturday, October 31st 2009 - 10:00am U.S. EST / 3:00pm GMT/Nigerian time. Join us. But before you do, please vote in the poll. It's on the top of the right sidebar. Thank you, darlings.

Listen to the show LIVE on Saturday HERE

Send e-mails about the show to radio@verastic.com

Call me: 1.443.934.9039

Call the show during the LIVE segment: 1.646.929.1905

******************************************

One more thing...I'd like to think that I have mentioned it before, but perhaps, I have not mentioned it enough: For every Verastically Speakin' show, I need a co-host. The list of shows on the left sidebar is there to let everyone know what's coming up and what I need a co-host for. If the show has been scheduled and there's no name listed as the co-host, it means I need one. If the show has not yet been scheduled [one of those ones listed below the scheduled shows] but you think you'd like to co-host it, let me know, so we can work something out asap. Lastly, I welcome show ideas .... thank you.

radio@verastic.com <<<>>> 1.443.934.9039