Aloofar, I Dare You!

Before I continue this post, I just wanna say that my reason for updating today is because Lil Miss QMoney (yes, I said 'lil') thinks I am so predictable. Apparently, I have been updating on Tuesdays for the past four weeks. So now, Lil Miss Qmoney has been expecting updates on Tuesdays. So Qmoney, how you like me now?! The predictable Vera has now become the predictably unpredictable Vera ehn? Hehehehehehe. I laugh in Igbo.

So QMoney, for all you know sef, I might just decide to update on Wednesday next time. Or Thursday. Or Friday. Okay, to make the long story short, I might just decide to update on any other day apart from Tuesday...and Monday, of course (since this post you're reading was posted on Monday).

Now, back to the reason for this post, that Lil Mister Aloofar (yes, I said 'lil' again), how far can he really go? So the story is that I wrote - more like yelled - on Aloofar's comment box, asking - more like ordering, demanding, and commanding - him to update before I vex finish. And the Lil guy had the effrontery and ordercity to come back and threaten to do me something.

So Aloofar, I want you to come and do me something right now. Whatever that something is, do it to me. This is a dare. I am daring you to come and do whatever it is that you have threatened to do to me. Abi you dey fear? No fear oh. I no dey bite - yet.

*Singing* Oh oh, e get as e dey do me, do me, do me, do me...na the way you dey do me-ey! Boy, I love the way you do me, do me, do me, do me, do me......

I'm Having Twins!!!

To say that I am thrilled will be an understatement. Yes, I, Vera Ezimora, am having twins. I know what you're thinking.... Vera didn't tell us she's pregnant.

Okay, rewind.

Did I ever tell you how slow a cook I am? I am not the sort that people should depend on when they're really hungry - unless I'm just gonna make them a bowl of cereal. In the time I would use to cook one meal, you would have already had breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And even snacks in between. Anyway, I have been cooking moi moi since 1pm on Sunday. It is past 12 AM on Tuesday and I just got done. Don't ask me how that happened. Just keep in mind that it took me 8 hours to wash the beans.

Fast-foward to how I found out I'm having twins.

I put half of an egg in each moi moi. So there I was, throwing half an egg in each moi moi when I noticed this twin egg. Two chicks would have hatched from this egg. In case you didn't know, I have always dreamt of having twins, so finding this twin egg was a sign. You know what I did? I didn't put the egg in any moi moi. I ate it! Yeap, I sure did. I even prayed over it before eating. As the Lord has made two chicks (yolks) in this egg, so shall one of my eggs produce two [identical] babies. Amen. So now, I'm convinced that I will be having twins.

For the record, I am not currently pregnant. And I'm not trying to get pregnant. In fact, I am not doing anything that can make me pregnant - all pun intended. But when I do become pregnant, I will be having twins. If they are the same sex, I would prefer for them to be confusingly identical.

All that I can say to you wonderful readers is that you need to start saving money for my twins. Open up special bank accounts for them if you have to. On second thoughts, you don't need to save the money. Just start sending the gifts immediately. Sigh.

***Rubbing my tummy***

I think I hear some sounds in my tummy; they must be sounds of my future twins kicking. Actually, I think it's just the Peak milk I put in my garri that is stirring things up. The darn milk gives me gas!

Opportunities

I spent my weekend @ Ocean City, Maryland, but I will blog about the experience when I update later. For now, there are a few things I have to mention.

My Contant Info:

So apparently, it has been next to impossible to get me on the phone. Oops. The other day, I managed to listen to the voicemail, and I started returning calls from April. LOL. Anyway, all that has changed now. However, if you do call me and I don't pick up. please leave a message that includes your name & number. I'll have a mighty hard time returning calls with no messages. So now, you have three ways of contacting me, and they are all current.

Address: P. O. BOX 7893
Essex MD 21221
USA

Email: vera@verastic.com

Number: 443-934-9039

I'll be looking forward to hearing from you all.

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Event Planning

If you live in the MD/DC area and need an affordable event planner for your event (wedding, party, whatever), then email enneventplanning@yahoo.com And yes, I am 'affiliated' with Enn. Shoot, I just might be planning your next event! *wink, wink*

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Kitu Kizuri Interview

I'm gonna be writing a new article for Kitu Kizuri, and I need to interview single African women who are at least 25 years old. If you're interested, please contact me ASAP. Feel free to send me a snail mail, an e-mail, or just call.

Criteria:
1. Must be female & African
2. Must be at least 25.
3. Must be single. (Single as in neither married, engaged, nor in a relationship).

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A short film is being shot (or about to be shot), so if you live around (or can make it to) the MD/DC area, then read the following:

Nigerian Actor(s) needed for Short Student Film in Washington, DC

We need a young (age 23 to a young looking 28), tall, and well dressedAfrican (most ideally Nigerian) actor to be a short film shooting inDC during the last weekend of August. The actor be able expressemotions with very little direction. He must be able to speak in anauthentic African and American accent. He must be able to speak"Pidgen" or broken English as well. The role requires some basic dancemoves. There will be dance and blocking practices in early or midAugust that he MUST be able to attend in order to seal the role.

We are also casting for a supporting Female role. She must be in herearly to mid 20's, well dressed and have a GREAT sense of humor. Weneed a very witty girl. The part is small, but very fun and greatexposure for the right actress.

Summary--Through a series of wacky dreams, a young Nigerian manrealizes that that his Bollywood obsessed ex-girlfriend is truly theone for him.

This is a no pay gig, but we can offer the chosen one film credit, acopy of the film, food, jokes, kindness and fun!

If interested, please send a headshot and resume to aikwueme@gmail.com. Also, include a phone number so we can contact you.

Enigma

You’re supposed to change your toothbrush every three months, right? I think so. Anyway, I change mine like every six to eight weeks. Why? I brush too hard and too often – apparently. In the morning, I brush at least twice, but most times three times, and I brush at night too. So in a day, I brush about four to six times. And then, of course, I floss and use Listerine mouth wash at least once a day. Weird?

See these two tooth brushes? The one by the left belongs to my mom, and the one by the right belongs to me. The thing is, my mom started using her tooth brush about two weeks before I started using mine. So why does mine look like I’ve been using it since we entered the new millennium? It probably has something to do with me being unable to withstand the temptation of chewing the bristles of my toothbrush. Why do I chew the bristles? This is just one of the many enigmas in my Verastic life.



Look at the bottom of the toothbrushes sef. On my mom’s toothbrush, you can see ‘Colgate’ written at the bottom. Mine is completely wiped off. When I brushed my teeth two days ago and found stray bristles on my tongue (that I almost swallowed, by the way), I realized three things: (1). I need to change my toothbrush. (2). I need to stop chewing the bristles of my toothbrush. (3). I might need psychotherapy. Could the chewing of my toothbrush be related to some deep childhood trauma? What could it be?? I think it happened when I was a little girl, about 6 or 7 and was forced to use McClean toothpaste instead of Close-Up. I hated McClean! I loved the red, seemingly transparent toothpaste. Oh, mommy…what have you done to me? I know what you’re thinking: what does Close-Up toothpaste have to do with chewing your bristles? Yeah, whatever!

Speaking of my toothbrush, for the past two weeks I have been suffering from a mysterious illness that apparently has no cure. It’s called the HARD & ITCHING NIPPLES SYNDROME. I am not quite sure why they have been mysteriously getting hard and itching. I have scratched and scratched and scratched, yet relief has been far and in between. The itch has been like a mosquito bite: ridiculously itching, sweet to scratch, but tantamount to causing tear and a permanent scar. My nipples, of course, are the last places I wanna have cuts and/or scars.

Last week, I couldn’t take it anymore, so I did the only thing I could think of doing: I went into the bathroom and put my toothbrush to good use. Yeap, I scratched the heck out of those nipples. They don’t itch anymore, but they still get unnecessarily hard (when is it ever necessary?). This, of course, is also an enigma.

Anyway, you might not have noticed, but I just included my address. I figured you all have been dying to send me hand-written letters. LOL. Please, feel very free to include some gifts – you know the usual…perfumes and Range Rovers. Yes, Rovers as in plural. LOL. But if you insist on sending perfumes, *rolling eyes* I’ll appreciate one or all of the following:

1. Miracle Forever by Lancome.
2. Romance by Ralph Lauren
3. Rock n Rose by Valentino
4. Diamonds by Emporio Armani
5. Princess by Vera Wang
6. Vera Wang by Vera Wang
7. Daisy by Marc Jacobs
8. Gucci by Gucci

Wait oh, am I seriously, publicly begging for perfumes on my blog? I have sunk to a new low. Hehehehehe. Needless to say, my love for perfumes is an enigma that I do not wish to figure out. I’m pretty content with just acquiring them.

Oh, I guess I should put that address up now. It can also be found on my profile.

P. O. BOX 7893
Essex, MD 21221

God Has A Crazy Sense Of Humor

Saturday: I attended a fab wedding @ Sheraton Hotel. I wore a burgandy evening gown. Hair done - almost, make-up flawless - I think, and feet hurting - definitely. The wedding was nice. Food was nicer. The music was the nicest. My mother was one of the people on the "high table." So there I was standing in front of the high table talking to my mom when one of the men on the high table interrupted my conversation with my mom.

Him: Hello, my dear, what is your name?
Me: Vera
Him: And how old is Vera?
Me: XX
Him: Oh, really? Well, Vera, I have a few friends that are looking for wives.
Me: *smiling....what was I supposed to say???*

Later on, I was sitting solo by my table, watching the guests dance when Mr. Wife Finder came and pulled me off my seat without notice or permission. My mother was at the high table laughing @ me; she could see the look on my face. This man put his hands on my waist and said, "Oh, baby girl, you can dance! You're so beautiful. I can't believe no one has married you yet." I just jejely removed his hands from my waist. So what was the problem with this man, you ask?

1. HE IS MARRIED
2. His wife was also present at the wedding.
3. When he was at the table interrupting my conversation with my mom, his wife was there. Not only was she there, but she was seated between him & my mom, so he had to literally stretch over his wife to talk to me.
4. He's not young. He couldn't be less than ten years younger than my father.
5. He's short. With my heels, I was taller than him (and I'm 5' 5")
6. His wife is wayyyyy taller than both of us. She had to be about 5' 11" (I was thinking to myself that this woman fit vex just knack our heads join together.)

The man was so fascinated by me that I was uncomfortable. Which kin yeye wife is he finding for his friend? Nonsense!

SUNDAY: I attended a huge graduation party. The celebrant graduated from med school. Awesome!! As usual, I went armed with my camera and dance steps. I was taking pictures when some man came to me and said, "I love the way you're doing what you're doing." I just assumed he was referring to my dancing because it would have been really lame if he was talking about the way I was taking pictures. Later on, he started asking me all those yeye questions... Are you Nigerian? Oh, really? What part of Nigeria? Oh, so do you speak Igbo?....blah blah blah. He went his way, only to return later while I was dancing alone. The thing about dancing alone is that it allows all these nuisances to bug ya. This man started dancing some moves ehn... hmmm. To say that I was embarrassed would be the understatement of the day. My facial expression obviously didn't hide it. Uju was laughing @ me. My mom was laughing @ me. My mother's friends were laughing @ me. Whew! When I couldn't take it anymore, I told him I had to go take more pictures. The problem?

1. He was old! He already had white hair sprouting from his eyebrows.
2. He was short. I was taller than him.
3. He could not dance to save his life.
4. He threw four dollars on me, and when the person picking the money attempted to pick up the $4, the man vexed ehn! Wetin sef? Na on top four dollars I go dey collect public embarrassment? Mba o.
5. He is probably married too. I have no proof. This is just a safe assumption, although his marital status didn't matter because he was a no-no!

Monday: I was having what was supposed to be a professional conversation with some African American guy. He told me he was getting married in February, and we were discussing his options for tuxedo rentals, colors, etc. Next thing, he interrupted me in the middle of my sentence to say, "I'm sorry for interrupting you, but you got such a pretty smile." That kinda caught me off guard, but I said thanks. Then he said, "You're so beautiful." At this point, my eyebrows were raised. Then he said, "I know I'm getting married soon and I shouldn't be flirting with you, but you're just so beautiful." I didn't know what to say, so I just kept saying "thanks." At the end of the conversation sha, he apologized for making me feel unconfortable. The problem with this dude?

1. He's almost married.
2. He's obviously prone to cheat.
3. He's probably cheating already with someone else.


Anyway, so I assume this is all the handwork of God. He must think I'm finding this funny. Well, in all honesty, I am. What other choice do I have??

P.S. On Sunday, June 8th, I attended the christening of Uju's handsome nephew, Jordan. I've been forgetting to mention that you can view the pictures at http://www.verastic.shutterfly.com/